Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Thanks Goodness for Stretchy Pants

*I wrote this entry at the end of May but never posted it for fear of sounding a little too self-absorbed. But it is one of my current life issues, and hey, it's my blog, so here you go. Update coming soon!*

I had a sad moment the other day. It was finally a warm day so I brought up all my summer clothes from the basement, ready to exchange them for my winter sweaters. I opened up my Grandma's old carpeted suitcase where I store them (it's pretty cool!), and pulled out the first pair of capris. They didn't fit. Then I tried on a pair of shorts. They didn't fit either. It's been two years since I wore any of them, at least the bottoms. Last summer I was recovering from a twin pregnancy and stuck to my comfy, maternity clothes or stretchy workout wear.

I had done pretty well at losing most of my pregnancy weight with little effort, which I contribute solely to breast feeding. I had a few pounds to go but had heard it was good for milk making to keep a few extra around so I wasn't worried. And then I weaned and the scale went up. I'm not really sure what happened. Definitely part of it has to do with not needing as many calories as I dropped feeds and not changing my eating habits along with it. I'm wondering too if there are some funky hormonal changes going on in my body too that are contributing to it. Who knows. What I do know is that aside from when I was carrying around two other human beings, the scale has never been higher. For someone who has weighed pretty much the same, give or take a few pounds, since high school, it is slightly traumatic.

I wish I didn't care so much. I know it sounds completely self-absorbed (and probably is), but it's the current battle I'm facing. Birthing babies has inevitably changed my body, and I can accept that, but I actually think it's okay to try and put some effort in to get rid of these few extra pounds. It's not a lot and numbers aren't that important but I'm ready to go. It's not very complicated... exercise and healthy eating. I don't believe in diets. They don't work unless you're willing to stick to them for the rest of your life, and who is? It means figuring out a lifestyle that will work for me. I used to have two breakfasts and two lunches. Two of those can go. I don't really need a snack before bed either. I still plan to eat ice cream, chocolate and other treats, but I just don't need them every day. Moderation! But my big change will be exercise. I've always been a moderately active person, and I've been working out fairly consistently post-babies. But I've been taking it fairly easy. I need to bump up my intensity and get a good sweat going. I've been craving it. I have no deadline. I think slow and steady is best. In the mean time, I'll wear my stretchy pants

Friday, May 27, 2011

Closed for Business

It's the end of an era. On Monday I breastfed my boys for the last time. It was definitely a bittersweet moment. As mentioned in a previous post, breastfeeding has had its ups and downs but overall it’s been a really wonderful experience. I’m still pumping for the next few weeks to ease the transition on my body so they’ll get some breast milk up until the week of their first birthday. I’m really thankful to have made it this far and although I considered continuing, I decided that I’m ready to be done. Making milk for two babies takes a lot of energy. Just how much, I don’t think I really know as I’ve done it from the start, but apparently I will be getting a new wave of energy soon? I hope so. It also takes a lot of calories. I was eating all the time, or at least attempting to. I had the luxury of not worrying about how much I consumed. The more the better. That’s not the reality anymore, but my habits have not caught up yet. Must work on that one!

What will I miss? I’ll miss the closeness and bonding, I’ll miss two pairs of eyes looking up at me as I tandem fed, I’ll miss the convenience and the cost (who doesn’t love something free?). What won’t I miss? I won’t miss rushing home in time for a feed and having to pump if I miss one. I won’t miss ugly nursing bras. I won’t miss using my heating pad and electric toothbrush as weapons against multiple blocked ducts. I won’t miss the 8+ hours a day I spent feeding in the early days. But it was all so worth it and it’s such a small fraction of my boys' lives. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I’m thankful for the twin moms who showed me it was possible and helped me with my many questions along the way... Adrienne, Tamara, Sarah, Lisa, none of whom I think read this blog but they were all awesome breastfeeding moms of twins. Although at times its felt like it has consumed all of my time and energy, it has been one of the amazing privileges of my first year of motherhood. But for now I say so long, farewell, see you next time!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

My Decision to Stay Home

I should be back at work right now. I started my mat leave early last year as I needed time to rest and keep growing my babies (and who’s kidding who, pregnant in the third trimester with twins and being a phys-ed teacher don’t really mix). But instead of going back to work, I’ve decided to stay home and to continue to stay home until at least September 2012 when I hope to go back very part-time until my boys are in school. I'm grateful for the flexibility my profession provides and I know that's rare. I do plan to supply teach once a week at my school to stay connected and get out of the house, plus give my boys some structured social interaction.

My decision to stay home is not one that I took lightly, but it’s what I feel is best for me and our family. There is definitely a part of me that would like to go back to work. I love my job. I love the kids, I love the influence, I love my co-workers, I love the hours, I love the holidays. I miss it, but for me, it doesn’t sit right to go back fulltime. I didn’t realize how hard being a stay-at-home mom is. As I’ve written about before, especially with twins, I’ve found it to be quite isolating. Email, Facebook and the occasional play date have been my main forms of adult interaction this year. Four milk feedings, three meals (all times two), two naps, plus diapers, meal prep and clean-up don’t leave a ton of time to get out and about. I don’t love all the domestics that go with it. Before sitting down to write, I was mopping floors and making baby food. Sometimes I feel like my biggest accomplishment in the day is folding a load of laundry, but it’s not really noticed, there are no promotions. I realize that parents who work outside of the home also have to keep up with their house and it’s no doubt a challenge.

I have some friends who wanted to stay home but ended up going back to work because of financial reasons. While I do believe that it’s sometimes necessary, it also makes me a bit sad. One of the best decisions Joel and I made as soon as we got married was to only live off of one income. I never wanted my reason to stay home be that I had to contribute to the mortgage. This meant that when we bought a house, we were fairly limited in our options. We live in a small townhouse but it would still be considered luxury to most of the world. I would love a bigger kitchen, more play space for my boys and a bigger backyard, but it really is enough (not to say we'll never move when finances allow!). When I had an income it went towards building our savings, giving, and paying down our mortgage faster, but now that it’s gone, we don’t need to live any differently than we did before. It’s something I definitely recommend to couples where one person thinks they might want to stay home in the future. I know we are fortunate that Joel has always had good, steady work and that no matter what the circumstances this is not always possible.

The main reason that I’m staying home is that I feel it’s best for my boys. I personally don’t want to send my kids to daycare all day everyday and only see them for a few hours at the beginning and end. Especially in the early years I want as much time as I can to teach them, nurture them, influence them and shape them into loving people. I feel like I can best do that by being home with them. I know there are wonderful daycares, babysitters and family members who can look after children, but for me, I feel like it’s important for us and giving up my job is a sacrifice that I am willing to make to do that, knowing that we can afford it. Obviously the workplace needs women and some feel like they can be better moms because they work. I get that. I look forward to being a little more connected with the world this year, especially once my boys go to one nap a day. I’ll be looking up the local play groups and trying to build new friendships with other moms who are home.

I have friends across the spectrum... ones that stay home, others who work part time and many who work full time outside the home. I believe they’ve made the decision that they feel is best for their family and I'm certainly not here to say one is better than the other. They are all wonderful parents with well-loved, amazing kids. There are so many factors that come into play and advantages and disadvantages to each option, but this is just where I’ve landed. If you’re a parent, I’m curious at how you arrived at the decision you did. Care to share?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Let It Rain

That's not really how I feel. I'm tired of the rain. It gives me a headache, keeps me indoors and dampens my mood. I know April showers bring May flowers, but now it's May and I'm ready for the flowers. After watching our friends in Zimbabwe live through a drought year in 2007 I vowed I wouldn't complain about the rain again. Rain means life for so many people in the world and I take that for granted. While I drive two minutes to the local Loblaws for my food that is there no matter what the weather is, people all over the world are hungry because it didn't rain and their crops didn't grow. I received a letter a few weeks ago from a dear friend in Zimbabwe in which she mentioned they were still waiting for the rains. It is a big deal.

I don't want to be thankful for the rain today. To be honest, I'm feeling a bit grumpy. But somehow I'm going to dig deep in the comforts of my home, with a roof over my head, and not let it shape my attitude towards the day.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Reflections of Motherhood Part 5: Routine

I did a lot of reading while I was pregnant. I wasn’t too into all the pregnancy books (except this one) as a twin pregnancy is so different from singletons, although I did enjoy my weekly emails telling me how big my babies were and read a bit about their development. What I did read about was what to do after and I’m glad I did. I like to be prepared, I like to have a plan and I knew that with twins it would be important in getting through the early months. I basically went to the people whose parenting styles I respect and found out what they did. A book that was mentioned by almost all of them was this which focused on the E.A.S.Y. routine (Eat, Activity, Sleep, You). While not everything in the book was for me, I liked the idea of a flexible routine and knowing what came next. So since day one we’ve been following that plan... the boys get fed, followed by activity time (diapers, playing, reading etc.), then naps and time for myself. Because my boys slept so much in the early days we had to wake them to eat every 3 hours and we fell into that schedule. When they were ready we stretched it out to 4 hours between milk feedings during the day and that’s where we are now. My days are somewhat predictable and I love it. I think the boys do too. People often say we are lucky that we have such great sleepers, but I attribute it to our routine and teaching our boys how to sleep well. It seems to be pretty consistent with other parents who did something similar. I don’t think luck has anything to do with it.

I am not an “on demand” parent. That doesn’t work for me, especially with two the same age. That being said, I obviously believe that parents should choose the style of parenting that works best for them (*Side note: One things I’ve observed from friends who feed on demand is that they basically feed their baby whenever they cry. I guess my main issue is that I don’t always think a cry equals hunger and there are other things that can be done. Feeding is used as form of soothing which I think can be fine in babyhood but not as healthy in later years... think of the obesity epidemic and emotional eating, which I definitely do from time to time. I’m not saying on demand feeding and obesity are linked at all, I just have some questions about what I’ve seen. Again, just MY opinion and I have no issue with my friends doing it.) I believe that ultimately it’s important to raise loving, kind and respectful children. I don’t think sharing a family bed or crib sleeping, feeding on demand or by schedule, whether or not I wear my baby or let my child cry-it-out, has that much to do with it. I personally don’t know how I would have done it without my routine, while others might like a more go-with-the-flow type approach. I’m probably also a little more structured than I would have been with one and when/if the next child comes along we’ll also have older siblings to factor in. But as I’m getting closer to the end of my first year of motherhood (*sigh*), I think I’ve done pretty well to survive with twins and I think I have my routine to thank.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Life is Precious

Normally I'm in bed right now, but tonight I can't sleep. Today a friend lost her 59 year-old mom, completely unexpected. My heart aches for her tonight. My husband lost his mom six years ago very suddenly. When I heard my friend's mom was in the hospital my thoughts went back to that weekend that still seems like a bad dream. I am especially saddened that my boys will never know their Grandma and I think of my friend's young children who have now lost someone so special to them. I'm reminded today that life is precious. There is no guarantee that we'll have tomorrow. We always think it won't happen to us, to the people we love, but then it does and we're hit smack in the face with the fragility of life. I will wake up differently tomorrow, thankful for the gift I've been given.