Jealousy

Yes, it's an ugly word, but it's something I struggle with. Currently there are two areas I'm struggling with that are somewhat related. One is being jealous of moms who can easily cart their kids wherever they want. I know lots of twin moms who are constantly going out with their kids but this is something I've found a challenge. Partly it's just fear... fear that they'll both completely lose it at once and I won't be able to handle it. I'm not sure why that paralyzes me so much as my boys almost never lose it and have been overall really great wherever we take them. I've been trying to combat that fear recently and just bite the bullet and do it. Recent successes have been a trip to Coscto with the boys and taking them to a chiropractor appointment with me. They were awesome both times. It's a lot of organizing, figuring out what to do with one boy while I put the other in the car etc., but I can make it work. And don't get me wrong, I don't ever wish I didn't have two of them, but I sometimes hear stories from my mom friends of singletons who take their kids everywhere, feeding them on the go and it seems so much harder for me. I spend so much time at home. I'm trying to remember that it's just a phase and it will get easier.

The other thing I get jealous of is friends with big yards, or maybe not even big yards, just yards with fences. We live in a condo townhouse complex which means our grass is cut for us (yes, it's nice!) but our fences only go halfway so they can get through. This makes it nearly impossible to hang out in the yard with the boys without Joel around. We took them out the other evening and they basically needed one-on-one attention as they were off in different directions. After a long winter indoors, I am craving the sunshine and fresh air. We make do with short walks and trips to the park where we all enjoy the confinement of the baby swings.

In the big picture, these are very trivial things. I am blessed with so much and I don't like feeling the way I do. I think the antidote to jealousy and discontentment is thankfullness. When my mind goes to wishing for things I don't have, I try to think of all that I do have. I have healthy boys, I can afford to stay home with them (even if sometimes staying home all the time makes me a bit loopy), we have a roof over our head, plenty of food, we have a yard, albeit small. The list could go on. Gratitude is something I've been reading and thinking a lot about. I wish I didn't get jealous of people and their circumstances but sometimes I do. I'm hoping that as I make gratitude more central to my life, it's something that I'll get better at.