Melt Downs

I had one today. Who knew that my attempt to clean car seats would lead to me sitting in tears. As I near the end of my pregnancy, life is getting a little harder. Overall I still feel great, but I'm not small. I'm at least the size I would be if I was full-term with one baby, probably bigger. Carrying two little ones around with me all day that are constantly growing means what I can do physically is constantly changing. What I could do last week is not what I can do this week.

But I don't like it. I don't like that when I spill something on the floor I can barely lean over to wipe it up. I don't like that I can no longer vacuum (one of my favourite chores!). I don't like that doing a load of laundry takes most of my energy and will soon be impossible. I don't like that I have a dirty shoe mat in my front hall closet that I can't scrub or a floor that needs mopping. And I don't like that not being able to do what seem like such simple things, means that someone else has to.

Joel is working so hard. He works hard all day, often comes home and makes me dinner, cleans up and then does more work around the house without complaining. He is so good about it, but there's only so much one person can do. He knows my main job is to grow my babies and more than anyone he is always encouraging me to rest. But he needs to rest too. He's about to become a dad of two and we need our time together.

As I'm learning how to live with a constantly changing body, there are two things I'm also learning that I'm not good at... letting go and asking for help. Our house isn't going to be in perfect condition when our babies arrive, and it certainly won't be after. If some things don't get done, we will survive and probably no one is judging me on whether or not my baseboards are clean. But I still want them clean! Asking for help is also hard for me, but something I know I'm going to have to learn if I want to survive the first few months with two babies. I don't feel like other people should have to come and do my cleaning or laundry or whatever else needs to be done and even if someone offers, I struggle with guilt. I don't know why.

I'm curious to look back in a few months and see if I've gotten better at these things, probably out of necessity. But in the mean time, I'll do what I can, rest as much as possible and take a deep breath!